I’ve got a few minutes free from my end-of-semester school work1 and thought I’d share some thoughts.
One:
If you’re having trouble getting the image caption to appear below the image in IE, make sure you’re not floating it in a separate selector. Oops. Yes, I did spend almost a whole day trying to figure out why it was lovely in FF but floating right in IE. Dur. There was a float I didn’t need in there. This is what happens when you make adjustments and forget to note which adjustments you just made and/or don’t take out the extra garbage. My bad.
Two:
Don’t expect some people to know what the hell you’re talking about when you’re discussing your messed up float. They will look at you like you’re completely insane when you say “My list was floated right but then I floated my img to the right too!!” This means nothing to some people– even when you think that someone should know2. Sorry, Unnamed Person, I really thought you knew more about it. I didn’t mean to “try to impress with that damned jargon”. Really. I thought since you’d signed up for a Website Design elective you might think my error was as hilarious as I thought it was.
Three:
Ask for confirmation in emails or you may go a whole two weeks thinking you’d sent an important note only to find out the recipient was still waiting for that note. My bad again.
Four:
Messing up my coding is really good for my brain fog. No, really, it is. Working my brain to solve a puzzle like a messed up float3 is good for the gray matter. I can’t leave it alone until I’ve fixed the problem and that helps with the cognition. I can actually hold conversations again. Of course, I don’t always want to have a conversation (blame the pain pills, yo) but I can have one if I so choose. Awesome.
Five:
I really like “V”. I also like “Spongebob” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, so there you go.
Six:
After this semester is over I’m going to publish a couple of my best papers from my English College Writing class. I don’t want to yet for fear my prof will think I’m plagiarizing myself, but I did some good work on those things this semester. Can we say “A”? Why, yes we can. Of course, I think my prof doesn’t really care all that much about the quality of the paper as long as we keep it on topic, but that’s not the point. The subject matter is very interesting. Of course, I’ll probably forget that I want to do that. You’ll have that from me.
Seven:
It’s time for bed and I’ve stopped having thoughts. Ha!
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Awakening
You should know that this post is a confessional. I’m going raw here, folks, and it’s going to be uncomfortable for me. But this is like therapy right now and I have to let the words out. I have to make them real. No editing as per usual. I’m just going with the flow here.
Comments are closed. You’ve been warned.
I’ve found my music again. I didn’t know it was gone for a long time. I didn’t miss it. But when I found it again I became obsessed. I couldn’t get enough. I still can’t get enough. Right now I’ve got Black Lab’s “Gone” blaring from the music machine1. It’s a beautiful song2. I forgot that part of me.
I always had music. “Jen’s Life: The Soundtrack”, I called it. Lots of little mix tapes. And then CDs. I could always find just the right ones to go with whatever situation I was in at the time. Then I stopped doing that. Stopped listening to it and craving it. Until a couple of weeks ago when that part of my soul seemed to break free. I started searching for music. This time it’s “Gone”, “This Night” (Black Lab) and “Familiar Taste of Poison” (Halestorm) at the top of my soundtrack.
I tried. I really tried. I put my self in a box and buried her somewhere she couldn’t escape. I tried to be normal, do normal things, think normal thoughts. I made promises in the early part of January 2009 and, fuck me, I kept them. I took vows and I was holding up my end of the fucking bargain. I stopped socializing again, shut off the music and accepted that this was my life and I was making a valiant goddamned sacrifice for my children. I stifled myself because I thought I deserved it. That part of me was horrible, selfish and wild. She hurt people, including herself. She burned bridges and made enemies. She had to go. He didn’t love her anyway. Stuff her in the box and forget about her. We were better off that way.
I thought I needed a knight-in-shining-armor and he thought he could “fix” me. I was somewhere really dark and I needed saving. I thought it was the right thing to do. I tried so hard to let him shape me into what he wanted. I fought against it sometimes, but mostly I allowed him to mold me into someone so different that anyone who knew me and loved me couldn’t even recognize me. “Why him, Jen?” they asked. “Better than the alternative,” I’d say,”and I love him.” Didn’t like the tattoo, the clothes, the music, the writing, the friends…changed it all. Because I promised them I would. I’d try to open up to him, but he didn’t like that. Too much of her still left in me. So, I closed off my history to him. No sharing secrets with him. Shared them on the blog. Shared them with strangers because he didn’t really love me enough to want to know me.
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