Updated below
I’ve done a post about this before. But that was my old blog and I erased that shit. Now, it looks like it’s time to another one. And this is one of the topics I really try to avoid because I get so damned hot under the collar. But it smacked me in the face and I feel the need to reply. The best place to do that is here. Right?
Mark wrote about the outlawing of the word “nigger”. I agree that there should be no law against it, because it falls under free speech. Where do we stop then? But he thinks it’s just a word, an ugly word, but a only word. He says that it’s appropriate if it’s used in the correct context. With all due respect to Mark, I have to say HUH? I have a small issue with some of the commenters as well (you’ll see why). So, I brought my issue here because, well, I feel a rant coming on.
Now, I’m not black. But my daughter is. I say she’s black because she says she’s black. She was forced by white folks to choose one or the other. I don’t blame her. I encourage her to learn about strong black women (particularly American black women). I want her to embrace her heritage, learn about it, and be proud of it. Is that wrong of me to focus on her black half? I don’t think so. Society views her now as a black child and they will view her as a black woman. That’s what she is and what she always will be. Because of that I take up her fight. Hers, but no one else’s. In her interest I don’t allow anyone to say “nigger” or the less offensive “nigga” (there’s a difference and if you don’t know what it is then shhh). Lil’ Miss isn’t allowed to say it, her aunt’s/uncles/grandparents aren’t allowed to say, and her friends aren’t allowed to say it. Period.
Point of fact, “nigger” cannot in any sense of the word be applied to whites. Or, really, any other ethnicity. That word was born out of ignorance, hate, and utter oppression. Historically, the American slave owners bought slaves from Spaniards, who called the slaves “negroes” (“black”). Some slave owners either couldn’t learn to pronounce the word correctly or simply refused and made due with “nigger”. The word was and is used to denigrate an entire race of people, by people who didn’t/don’t believe that blacks were/are even human. “Ugly” doesn’t even begin to describe that word to me.
Then we get to the age old “They call themselves that but whine because we call them that too”*. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. I personally don’t believe that blacks using “nigga” takes the power out of the more offensive term. Of course, I don’t believe calling myself a cunt makes that word any less demeaning. But I know plenty of black folks that see it as taking the word away from white people and bringing the power of it back to themselves. Similar to women calling each other “bitch”. When your friend says it it’s a term of endearment, when an enemy says it the fight is on.
I won’t insult anyone by saying “I’ve got black friends!” and shit like that. My real interest is in helping change the world of my daughter. Because I wanted people in her life to understand my point I sat down with her family members (they’re mine, too, according to us, but some people don’t see it that way) and I changed Lil’ Miss’ grandmother by talking to her about why it’s never ok to empower people to use that word. It gives people just another reason to use it and there was never a good reason to use it to begin with. Can’t say the same about the rest of the family, but it was interesting.
And the tired “They can do it, why can’t I?” spiel makes my fucking eyeballs bleed. There is no reason to use it. None. That especially holds true to anglo-Americans. I’m sorry, but it’s fucking true. If you can’t say the word in a room full of blacks, then shut up and quit crying about how hypocritical they are. If you would never date a member of another race because it’s “Just not right” then shut up. If your recent bloodline didn’t include slaves, then shut up, because you don’t have a right to be offended because you someone calls you on using a racist word.
“OMG! She used the race card!”
In October of 2005 my daughter was 13. She was asked to go to a school dance by a nice young white boy. She was thrilled. The boys parents refused to let him go because they didn’t want him to associate with those kinds of people. He lived in the upstairs of a duplex, we owned a four bedroom 1800 sq.foot house. His dad didn’t work, my husband works like a dog. Did I mention his mother was a DUI offender? Does it matter? February 2006 my daughter was 14. She asked her history teacher why they weren’t recognizing Black History Month. He told her “I just didn’t think it was that important and we have too much other stuff to go over.” That was school board policy until I wrote that teacher a letter, cc’d to two local newspapers, and demanded to know how he could look an African-American child in the face and tell her that her history just wasn’t important (Awaiting might remember that post). I won’t keep going with my daughter’s life experiences. I could go back to the time when my aunt said “Just what we need another one of those” when Lil’ Miss was a baby…Oh, wait. I just did, huh? I take those experiences to my heart because they happened to my baby. Now, just imagine if that happened 1000x worse to your grandparents, your parents, you and now your kids. Certainly your kids don’t have it as bad as your grandparents, but they’re still dealing with shit that no white kid can truly understand. That no person should ever have to deal with ever.
White people can’t claim “nigger”. There is no context for it except to discuss the word itself. There is really no place for it in normal conversation about other people. Personally, I think the word needs to be allowed to die a slow and quiet death, as have so many other useless and ugly words. It really should be one of those words that are only uttered in the dark of night, under the fear of public humiliation. Unfortunately, I really don’t see that happening. And that’s just fucking sad.
And, by the way, I feel the same way about Holocaust deniers. And I didn’t even know what a “kike” was until I came online (as an adult, no less) and still don’t understand it. I most certainly would never use it in any context. What other context would it be used in except by anti-Semitics? I’m thinking none.
Please keep in mind that I don’t believe this falls under the “PC is bullshit” line I sometimes spout off about. Because the use of these types of words is way deeper than just PC. The history of the word takes it out of that arena.
Update:
I just want to make it very clear that I’m not calling Mark a bigot or racist or anything like that. I’ve discussed this with him via email and I hope I’ve smoothed things over a bit. His point was that words shouldn’t be outlawed because they hurt someone’s feelings, that knowing the historical usage of this word – by both blacks and whites – is important, too. I agree with that. I didn’t make myself clear to that point and I sincerely apologize to Mark for making it seem that I felt that way about him. I read it as him saying “It’s just a word and why get hung up over it”. I was wrong. Period.
I wasn’t wrong to write this post though, just in particular wording of it. If it makes one person think, then I did well. If it makes one person stop saying “Well, they can say it, why can’t I?”, then I’m happy. And if it makes another person stop saying “It can mean a white person too”, then I’ve done a good job.
* This was from a commenter and I got a little hot about it. Hence the post.
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30 Comments
OMG, what a great post! I totally agree with it all. I was brought up by two white liberal parents in NY and was never, ever allowed to say that word. It’s never even occurred to me to use it in any “context.” To me, it’s the worst word ever, worse than any fuck, cunt, faggot (which I also HATE), etc. word anyone can think of. It makes me sick that white kids today think it’s fine to use it (or derivations thereof) cuz the blacks on MTV use it. My kids know they had better never use it in front of me, and I hope they don’t use it elsewhere. As you say, even using it in a “friendly” way or “in context” empowers others to use it in a hateful way. Same with faggot. Same with kike. My stupid Jewish grandmother used to call other Jews she disliked kikes, but she was an idiot, so there you go.
I also agree there shouldn’t be a law on this (or on Holocaust denial), but it is completely offensive and disgusting. When I see/hear white people using it, my opinion of them goes WAY down. To like zero. It is not “PC bullshit” in any way whatsoever. It is hurtful and horrible, and any white person who uses it should be ashamed of themselves. You did the right thing by banning it around Lil Miss, and I wish she could grow up in a world where people aren’t such fucking assholes.
Jenny – I didn’t say that it is “just” a word, period.
I said “…a really ugly one and it shouldn’t be stripped of its ugliness.”
Perhaps I should have said “a really ugly, monstrous, vile, disgusting, word but I like to try and get my points across with as few words as possible and I didn’t see the need for an excessive amount of modifiers.
I also stated that it shouldn’t be used by blacks to describe other blacks and never even as much as insinuated that it was okay to be used by whites.
“There is no context for it except to discuss the word itself.”
That is exactly what I meant when I said it should be used, in full, in context. No more, no less, no hidden meanings. By that I was referring to the flap, for example, a while back about amending “Huck Finn” so that it reads the “N” word. And your use of it, in your post, is what I mean by “in context”. At no time did I say that it was okay to use because it was NOT hurtful, and anyone who thinks I did is welcome to state that in my comments section instead of just lurking so that I have the chance to rebut their egoistic attempt to impugn my good character on my own turf.
BTW, and for the record, I think the comment you are referring to was misconstrued. See my e-mail about it.
Great post, Jenny. I do think you might have misconstrued the point of Mark’s post, but I’ll let you two discuss that offline. I, too, believe that trying to create a law against the use of a certain word not only goes against everything our country stands for, but it also makes the word even more powerful in the hands of the ignorant and hateful. As with any derogatory nickname, the power comes from the usage, not the word itself. Words don’t offend people, people offend people. On the flipside, the contextual use of the word in a historical sense can have a profound educational effect. We watched “Glory Road” (story of first college basketball team to start all black players, eventually wins national championship) with my 13- and 10-year-old girls. The hatred the black players faced — including having “Die nigger” painted in blood on the wall of a hotel room — mortified my kids. They couldn’t understand how anyone could have that much hatred toward someone else simply because of skin color. I couldn’t have asked for a better reaction from them (guess we’re doing something right as parents, eh?).
Fantastic post. Makes me want to cry for your beautiful daughter. My entire family on both sides uses that word and I call them on it. Loudly. Meant to embarrass. Because if they are going to embarrass me, then they deserve what they receive. It has been an uphill battle to keep them from using it around my young daughter, culminating in mine and my husband’s threats to keep her from them until they could control their tongues. What bothers me, and probably always will, is that even if the word is not used, the thought will still be there, and there is nothing I can do about that. Well, except raise my daughter in a different atmosphere.
Funny thing is, though, that now when they let it slip, my daughter (who is almost seven) calls them on it. Hilarious to see a kid take an adult to task…and she’s my kid, so she’s got the forked tongue! The first time, they dared look to me to “show her to respect her elders”. I said, “no, she’s right, so perhaps you should show her the respect.”
Anyway…beautiful post, and totally agree.
Um…first, wtf is up with the teacher? Good for you for sending an email.
Have so much to say to this but I’ll get to the jist. I never thought of it in the contest of where I can call a friend bitch or ho or whatever, and then when an enemy does it….very good point b/c the whole blacks can say it but I can’t did piss me off….and I didn’t realize there was a difference in Nigger and Nigga.
Lauren asked me one day what a Nigger was. I almost rang her neck right there, but I couldn’t be mad at her for seeking knowledge…I just had a really hard time explaining without cussing…as in “What sorry ass piece of shit did you hear that word from?”
You make me think Jenny. Introduce me to new thoughts. I like that.
It gives people just another reason to use it and there was never a good reason to use it to begin with.
Ex-fucking-zactly.
That said, I am glad I don’t know the difference between “nigga” and “nigger.” In my book they’re the same and unusable in public.
And I’ll tell you the danger. I was like Paula, in that I was taught rightly that the word is worse than fuck, cunt, or any other horrid word you can think of. It is the lowest of the low.
Yet because of this “taking back the word” bullshit, I overheard my white-ass little daughter and her white-ass little friends (okay, a couple latino-ass little friends too) calling each other “nigga.”
No, don’t try to explain what the fucking difference is. I don’t want to hear it. I told her that I would cut her tongue out the next time I heard it.
I wouldn’t really, but in the heat of the moment, you say things
That said, I do think you took Mark WAY the wrong way. I think he’s saying pretty much what you are. The word cannot be eradicated, and in a way, should not. It’s history needs to be known and taught because, in a sense, it is the keyword for an era of hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and evil.
Been thinking about my above comment and how it reads and wanted to make it clear thatthe word “Nigger” is not allowed in my house. I do not say it, my spawn isn’t allowed to say, and they should pray to anybody listening if I ever catch them saying it.
Just wanted to make it clear.
Brilliant post! I read Mark’s post the way you did, and I am glad he inspired such a well-written and well-founded argument against using certain words.
Ok, just wanted to make myself clear here. I tried in the post last night, because I was a little hot and after reading it thought I should. But obviously I failed.
No, Mark, you don’t need to add anything else to what you said. I understood where you were coming from, believe it or not. My biggest issue was with the comments, I guess, and I unfairly made it seem that you were down with that. I’m sorry about that. I realize that you have experience with racism and ignorant assholes. I really should have taken my own advice and took a deep breath and let it sit over night.
I get the “They say, so why can’t we?” shit thrown at me every time I call a white person on using that word. I also get “white people can be niggers too”. It’s fucking tiring, to say the least. And in my neck of the boondocks that shit is still running rampant. And the sad part is that the people using this word won’t sit down with black people and discuss what the word means to them, or how it makes them feel, or their own personal histories with it.
As far as the word “nigga” goes, it’s still not appropriate for white people to say. I won’t speak for any black person that I haven’t spoken with about this subject, but Lil’ Miss’ aunt said it best:
Now, I didn’t just ban the word outright with Lil’ Miss. I explained my feelings and the historical connotation. I told her why that word came to be and why it should be let to die. I also told her little man when I heard him utter it.
Lil’ Miss was three when she came home from the babysitter and asked “Mama, what’s ‘nigger’?” My first reaction was “Who told you that?!” and some other craziness. To say I was unprepared would be an understatement.
My father is white, my mother is black — so in the eyes of America, I am and will always be considered “black.” I am proud of my entire heritage, black and white, but if I must identify with one race, if I have to check one box and one box only, then yup, I’m black.
And see, there’s the real problem, the real underlying issue with arguments for and against to ban the use of the word “nigger” in law or in terms of spoken and unspoken social mores.
America is race-obsessed. Which is not to say we should be color-blind, that is dismissive. Somewhere in the middle of that continuum is where we need to get to as a society. Color-conscious maybe.
As for the use of the word, a law against it keeps us on the race obsessed side of the spectrum. Explicitly or tacitly condoning the nigger/nigga usage even in the black community to me has an overall negative effect. But I think there are contextual instances where its use is helpful — especially in the arena of comedy. As an example, about 50% of the Chris Rock repertoire, especially his Black People vs. Nigger routine. Or even Howard Stern’s version of “My Niggas.” These artistic pieces show us how damaging the word can be and these treatises, through laughter, expose the word for what it is. Because make no mistake, comedians are the philosophers of our generation.
Banning the word is not only unenforceable, but it gives the utterance even more power (remember, forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest). Using it in everyday language makes its usage self-perpetuating. But using it in such a way that it takes away its own power, that I can get with.
“If it makes one person think, then I did well.”
You’ve done a world of good with this one little post and I thank you for that, Jenny.
And thanks for all the clarification. I am doing the same chez moi.
Namaste.
And a comment update to this post’s update: Yes, JJ, you’ve done a damn good job.
I agree that we’re race obsessed. In Brazil, a person’s race can change based on their hair color. And they don’t care much about it. As advanced as we are this should be a non-issue. Unfortunately, our mores are passed on generational, and if the older generations aren’t being educated and the younger generations aren’t being educated, the cycle continues. Thankfully, it’s time is waning, but shit, it’s still a fact of life. Especially for anyone not of white descent.
I realize that Chris Rock is trying to educate. You know that. But there are so many people, people who hate black folks (and any person not like them, really) who use his routines to justify their own ignorance and racism. They don’t know that he’s just making a point, because they’re just not smart enough to get it. The same with rappers. They’re entertaining a select audience, except their lyrics are being held against all black people.
Honestly, this wouldn’t matter if people in power didn’t hold racist views. But they do. Or maybe they personally don’t, but they pander to their constituents, who do have those views. It’s sickening.
Stopping one word isn’t going to end hundreds of years of racism. I get that. But I think that making people think about why they use that word and why they shouldn’t will certainly go a long way in helping.
Keera,
Welcome! And thanks.
And thanks to Mark and Schad too. I appreciate that.
You know, as an aside, I’ll tell you what else I’m tired of. I’m tired of being lumped in by the radical blacks (not ALL, for God’s sake, at least get that) with the descendants of slave-owning whites just because my skin is white. If there ever was any such thing as a white “nigger,” (and there is NOT! but if there WAS) it would be my people.
The Irish as a people were enslaved and oppressed viciously in their own homeland. They were forced to live in the same sort of squalor and poverty and with the threat of violence and death if they did not cooperate. A quarter of my people were killed and starved to death in the late 1840’s, and another quarter fled to the four corners to survive.
Upon coming to America we were met, even in the North, with bigotry, and even signs in windows prohibiting our presence or our right to make a living.
Sadly (for blacks) we had one major advantage. We were still white in skin, so the process of assimilation wasn’t hindered by how we looked (except for those that really had the red!)
Of course, it shouldn’t be that way, right? Character over color forever.
My point is, my people never owned slaves. They were slaves. Nobody has a monopoly on bigotry and oppression.
It bothers me that some in the black activist community don’t think I should even say this. It bothers me that we should even have this discussion.
And to come full circle back to your original post, it bothers me that my parents and I worked hard to train my generation and my children not to use racist language, to treat everyone as equal regardless of race/color, to use words of respect and peace, to be the fruit of the seeds planted by brave men and women of the south, led by MLK and his peers, only to have members of the very group of people who were hurt by such language throw it about cavalierly like it just doesn’t matter.
I don’t give a fuck “whose” word anyone *thinks* it is, it is a hate word, a death word, an evil word, and if someone wishes to pretend they *own* such vicious verbal weapons, then they can go on pretending, but don’t later come and complain to me that the *wrong* people are using *your* word. Frankly, the little whities are just showing their respect and admiration for the black entertainers they emulate when they use such language. Ranting about ownership of a word by one race or another is simply another method of division, and is disrespectful to those of us who did learn the lessons of our forbears and seek to make a better place for people of any race to live, interact, and love.
Whooo… crap, got carried away there. Love to all.
You know, I’d forgotten the Irish argument. Actually, none of my ancestors owned slaves either. Let’s see:
Hell, by some standards I’m not even American! Now where was I going? Oh, yes. What is the standard derogatory term levied against Americans of Irish descent? I honestly have no clue, as I’ve never heard it (of course, I’m from a predominately Scots/Irish area). And how often is it used to denigrate them? How many millions of Irish were captured and sold at auction? I’m not trivializing what happened to the Irish. My great-grandmother Anne thought it highly important for me to know the history of our people. But, as it stands, I don’t see any active racism toward them- at least not here in the boondocks.
I agree about militant blacks. Lil’ Miss’ aunt is very passionate about these things. But I still believe it’s not up to white people to decide if it’s ok for them to use the term or not, and if they do then call them hypocrites. That’s not our call.
What is the standard derogatory term levied against Americans of Irish descent?”
“Mick”. And I’m using that contextually.
)>
Really? Well, that’s just fucking stupid. I’ve honestly never heard it. My bad.
It’s “Mick.” And no, you don’t hear it very often. And it wasn’t, in my knowledge used quite the way “nigger” was, and is. Or at least there is not the depth of depravity and evil attached to it.
And no, we’re not actively discriminated against these days. That was my point above, is that our skin color accelerated our process a hundredfold. And I say it shouldn’t be that way.
And no, we weren’t shipped off and sold at auction. We were invaded, enslaved, and forced to work our land to the benefit of the oppressors. Yes it was different, but to say that somehow there’s a degree where our enslavement wasn’t as bad is just not valid. Slavery is just that. We did usually have the benefit of not having our loved ones torn from us and sold as property. We got on ships of our own accord. When we landed we were not chained up and beaten and scattered to the winds. But then we had no shelter, food, or provision of any kind. No, no, no, I don’t pretend that there was a benefit there. I say that to illustrate that there is no one-to-one comparison that can be made. Yet why should I allow my own heritage of enslavement and oppression to be dismissed out of hand just because our condition today is more favorable than that of the black community?
I reiterate that my point is that it is not up to anyone to decide if it’s okay for them to use that term, white or black. Nobody “owns” a word. I worked hard on myself, and my children, and it frustrates me to see my work undermined by a few of the very people whose forbears were most affected by its usage and the behavior that went along with it.
You know, now that I think about it, I have heard it in movies. But I never knew that it was used that way. I guess I always thought it was a nickname. At any rate, I know what you’re getting at. At some point in history all races/etnicities were enslaved/oppressed. There’s no group, save for those with direct royal lineages, that can claim constant power. Still, somehow people (ignoramouses, for sure) can’t seem to get over racist tendencies toward blacks. This is the same argument I have with people who use a racist term and I say “My daughter is black”, to which I receive “Well, my people [fill in the blank]“. It’s an old argument to me. One, actually, that I’ve recently just had with The Mother.
I have the mother bear thing going on right now. I’m thinking of the immediate injury done to my own child because of her race. I’ve never been emotionally hurt because someone thought that I was somehow inferior to them based on my skin color. I just know what it feels like to comfort a child in that situation and hear that child rail in anger at white people. It’s sad. And it’s effected me a great deal.
I talk about my great-grandmother telling me my family history. My ex’s mother was born and raised in Ozark, Alabama before the civil rights era (she is 74 now). She can’t tell her great-grandchildren about her own great-grandmother, because she doesn’t know much about her family history. She’s a soft-spoken, genteel woman who holds no grudge. But she will fling you out on your ass if you use that word in her house. She’s happy that her children are better off than she was, but she wants them to remember what happened to her and her people. In my mind, because she and I are close and I love her dearly, she would indeed own that word. It’s not just her forbearers that were effected.
Now, I’m sure someone will come and tell me that I don’t have a dog in this fight and to shut the fuck up. I’ll just reiterate: I’m arguing for the one thing that I can change in my daughter’s life, and I don’t speak for anyone but myself, her, and the couple of peoole that have given me their own opinions.
Now, I’ve got to take a test. Wish me luck!
Now, I’m sure someone will come and tell me that I don’t have a dog in this fight and to shut the fuck up.
And you’ve hit on the key fallacy. We ALL have “dogs in this fight.” All of us, of every race, because we live in this world, we share this world, and we’re trying to raise children and teach them to make the world better.
My dogs might be white, but they’re in this fight too, along with every other person, fighting against ignorance, hatred, bigotry, and evil.
Bless you, hon, for having to deal with it so personally the way you do. And a pox on losers who think taking shots at someone’s race is anything but deplorable and shameful.
Good luck on the test, JJ!!
Excellent points, Looney. You’re absolutely right. And now I have another point in debates with idiots. Thank you.
Paula,
It sucked, but I managed. Whew! Now on to researching my next speech. Yay!
White folks should never, ever say the word…ever- and if some are too ignorant to realize that then I guess one day they will just learn the hard way.
As for black folks, in the right context and situation, I am ok with it.
Here’s me hoping they just shut the hell up and stop procreating. Honestly.
Didn’t “Mick” simply come from the “Mc” that begins so many Irish last names?
According to this:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mick
It comes from “Michael”, a popular Irish name.
“Mc” and “Mac” are predominantly (but not always) Scottish name prefixes, I think. “O” seems to be used only in Irish names.
“Mc” and “Mac” mean “son of” and “O” means “grandson of”, apparently.
As for black folks, in the right context and situation, I am ok with it.
And that’s just too bad, because those “black folks” don’t live in a vacuum, and kids of every color hear those “black folks” saying such things and most of them aren’t mature enough to be savvy to the humor or whatever you’re trying to accomplish. It’s either a hate word, or it’s not. If it is, then treat it like one.
My argument isn’t that white people should be able to say it. It’s that no one should say it, and that the double standard is only undermining the efforts of those of us who are trying to teach our kids to do right and be good.