10 years ago I was in a relationship with the love of my life. I mean, I loved this man with every fiber of my being and couldn’t imagine my life without him. He was charismatic, sexy, and hilarious. And he was abusive. Maybe someday (probably not soon) I’ll tell you some tales of the shit this man put me through - the physical as well as emotional bruises. I spent 5 long years of my life loving that man in the worst way possible. I didn’t know better, I guess. I thought that was the norm and that’s just how relationships developed. But I had Lil’ Miss and fuck me if I was going to let her grow up and think that love = fists to the face. She was never around when things got really out of hand because he loved that kid like she was his own, but damn if the stress wasn’t evident to her. This was a cycle, because The Mother was abused, and I wanted to break it.
But the very thought of being without that man scared the shit out of me. I was terrified to leave him. There’s a lot of psychology behind that and, trust me, I know all about it- now. The man didn’t contribute financially to the household (but I sure worked 70 hours a week) and was a nasty whore with everyone in town. What the hell? Anyway, one day Other Sis and I went to another town looking for apartments. I was determined to go away and he would never be able to weasel his way back into my life. And then I found an apartment, signed the lease, and bawled like a fucking baby. What was I thinking? Ok, I know what I was thinking, but there was something really sad about the whole thing. I thought he needed me and I felt bad for him. Still, the deed was done. So, a couple of weeks later I packed up Lil’ Miss and our stuff and left his ass. I think I cried every night for 6 weeks. It was horrible. Then something amazing happened.
I got out in that new town and I met new people - people that didn’t know who the fuck that guy was or who I was - and made friends. Then I finally learned how to relate to other people in healthy ways. I finally learned what mutual respect and admiration was. I learned how to communicate with people and, most importantly, how to communicate with myself. That gets lost when you’re in an abusive relationship, and with that loss is the loss of self-love and self-respect. After some pretty serious bumps in my recovery I finally learned that too. With no one to take that away from me I really did thrive. Despite my greatest fears at the time of our separation, my leaving him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that sounds so cliché, but sometimes clichés really are true.
Recently a really good friend of mine found herself alone after a pretty tumultuous relationship. I don’t know if it was physically abusive, but in some ways I know that it was emotionally abusive. And I’m pretty sure that guy was a big stone around her neck, holding her down every time she tried to lift herself up. And now my friend is hurting because she’s angry and, most of all, scared. She has every right to feel whatever she’s feeling, but I want her to know that there’s better than what she had and if she just starts communicating with herself again she’ll learn that. She’s the only one who doubts her now, and I want my friend to know that if she lets go of the doubt and embraces the unknown she will be better for all of this. Not tomorrow, but in time.
Also, that guy is a big fucking dickhead who should catch burning gonorrhea and watch his penis shrivel up and fall off.
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Wow, I can’t imagine being in an abusive relationship, but if I were I’d hope to have a friend like you, Jenny. Great post.
You are one wondrous and fabulous lady…and I hope you realize that. This post made me cry. Not because I am sad, but because you actually got me to smile and think. Thank you so much, for all that you have done for me…it is greatly appreciated.
Times are hard, but having friends like you, certainly makes them so much easier.
You are an inspiration.
Paula,
I hope you never know what I’m talking about. I mean that in the best way possible. I’m just glad that my experiences can help me help my friend. Speaking of whom…
Awaiting,
Girl, I don’t want you to cry any extra tears. You need to cry for your situation so you can hurry and get that out of your system. Too bad I can’t be down that way to help you drown your sorrows.:) We’d have a bomb-diggity time, for sure, yo. Here’s to good things coming your way!
I don’t know that I have anything to say except that it warmed my heart to see how you were there and now you’re here, if you know what I mean. Many things inspire me, but people who take their lot in life as their own personal challenge and make the changes they need to make on purpose, despite their fear is way up the list.
Thanks for sharing your story
Amazing woman you are…thank you so much!
You are an amazing inspiration.
People tend to look at relationships like the one you had and simplistically remark, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” They have no idea how complicated and gut-wrenching such a decision can be, and I’m convinced they don’t want to know.
I really wish you would find a way to make your “I did it, there is hope for you too” message more public than just here on your blog. There are many, many women who should read it.
Contact your local abused women’s shelter and ask if they would like you to share your story once in a while, maybe.
What an inspiration.
:o)>
Looney,
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could take the lemons and make the lemonade. But I learned something, you can either take the worst life gives you, internalize it, and grow bitter from all the hate eating you up inside, or you can learn something from it and make yourself a better person. I don’t want to be bitter and angry- I’ve seen what that does to someone.
Awaiting,
I’m not amazing or fabulous or any of those things. I’m just an ordinary person trying to lift my friend’s spirits and help her through a rough time. We can’t sit down and talk over a cup of tea, but I can do something for you. This post wasn’t for me, it was for you. And that’s that.
P.J. and Mark,
This is as public as I can get with my story. There are a lot of parts that are too shameful for me to relate and then there are parts that would hurt the same people that I’ve spent so much time working to forgive. I’ve tried the counseling part - going to groups and telling my story. But the thing is, most people can’t see past their immediate pain. They want things to be better right now. Not to mention the fact that so many women have survived so much worse than what I went through and sometimes they just tend to scoff at my experiences. Maybe when I’m more mature I’ll do something like that, but I’m not there yet.
That you are humble further demonstrates just how impressive and amazing you are, JJ.
Thanks you for yet again sharing of yourself for the enrichment of others.
If there were more people like you, the world would indeed be a better place. And that may sound cliche, too, but like most cliches, it’s true.
Humble? Ha! That’s damned near impossible for someone as sexy hot as I am. For real.
Still, thanks, everyone. I appreciate the sentiments. I didn’t do this post to garner any compliments or to impress anyone. Honestly. I did it to show solidarity.