As a woman and as a progressive I believe strongly in the right of choice for women. Women should be able to decide when or if they ever have children. They should have to right to decide that a man’s touch is unacceptable. They should have the right to decide if they want to work or if they want to stay home. But, wait! They do have those rights, to some extent, right now. Ok, we’re all on the same page.
Except we’re not. Leslie Bennetts recently said that stay-at-home moms as making a mistake for choosing to stay home. And I ran across a commenter at a radfem blog that declared of another woman “She’s a SAHM who isn’t contributing anything to Social Security or society”. Feh! Not contributing anything? But shouldn’t these women be championed because they’re exercising their rights to make these choices? Apparently not. Apparently stay-at-home mothers are the bane of some feminists’ existence. They work only to raise children and “give their lives away to their men”. Or some such nonsense.
Here’s another idea:
Some SAHMs are raising the next generation of strong, liberal feminists. They are raising understanding and open-minded sons. They are, one little person at a time, working to end sexism, racism, ageism, homophobia, or [fill in you favorite humanitarian cause]. When a child asks of a SAHM “What does “gay” mean?” that child may hear an answer such as the one I gave my own child “It’s a description of joy and happiness. It also means homosexual. Just another word for people in love.” And the gates of communication were open. Now, perhaps that same child heard his or her sitter/nanny/day care provider refer to someone else as “nigger” and wanted to know what it meant. Who would be the first person to ask? A SAHM would be on the front lines. Again- one child at a time.
And what is this nonsense about not contributing? In the context that I read the quote (and I’m sorry, but I won’t be linking because, well, I’ve had enough blogwars for just right now) the SAHM in question was discussing Social Security reform. But she was dismissed by one or two other commenters because she “doesn’t contribute”. That’s wrong in so many ways. But let’s look at the most obvious. She is nurturing a human being- which is not easy work. She is, presumably, nurturing someone who will love other people, feel compassion and understanding for those different from her, develop a strong work ethic and work to change the world. How is this not contributing? I don’t want to examine the financials of her work (how much she should get paid, what her hours are, why she’s undervalued as a human being), just how she is contributing to the exact cause that these particular radfems are fighting.
Did they forget their grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters that have fought this battle for generations? And with each generation is born that many more people that are intelligent, feeling, and strong because of what those women did for them. Those women fought for all women to have the right to choose. And I was under the, perhaps wrong, assumption that meant to choose motherhood too.
I worked outside of the home with my eldest until she was twelve. Through most of her childhood I worked 50+ hours a week. And then I got married and had another child. I decided to stay home then. The difference in my eldest daughter was significant enough that when it was time for me to make go back to work, I made the choice to do so from home. So, I guess I don’t fall under the “mistake” or “non-contributing” umbrellas, but I’m sure someone will point to me and put me square in that hole. Instead of seeing how I contribute to feminism in this way, they will see me as hurting feminism by allowing my husband to make the majority of our income.
That’s just sad. It tells me, someone who made the choice that was different from their definition of the word, that we still have a long way to go regarding women and the roles they choose to embrace.
I think it’s important to realize that the feminist struggle continues through generations and that each generation reaches more and more young women and men with their message. When a young woman is raised to believe that she should be submissive to her husband, but instead learns to be a strong, independent woman, she will pass those lessons on to her children.
FYI, I published this under “private” accidentally and just realized it. Sorry.
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3 Comments
I was a SAHM for 10 years and now work full-time. I do believe it was good for my kids to have a parent around 24/7, but it wasn’t necessarily the best thing for me. In hindsight, I realize that I should have been working part-time and/or preparing for a career while SAHMing. But sheesh! Why do women have to put each other down like that? How is it a bad thing to want to be a full-time parent OR utilize some day-care because of financial or other necessity? IMO people who do this are insecure about their own choices, so they seek to belittle others to build themselves up.
I think in this instance there’s a lot of feminist alarm concerning female submission.
I’ve seen how staying at home is “stupid” because then I, as the female, am dependent on the male for whatever and, as a feminist, I should be strong enough to do all this on my own. Or at least take the bull by the horns and all that nonsense. They’re offended, I think, because strong women are actually making the choice to stay home.
But isn’t that what part of “choice” is? Having the children and then raising them to be decent human beings?
As for me, I’m working part-time from home. Not making gargantuan amounts of money, but that’s ok. I’m also going to be going to school more in the fall. That’s a lot of flippin’ work for a SAHM, I think. And after I graduate I may not have to leave the house to work still. But even then, because I’ll be at home and somehow giving up “myself” I’ll be frowned upon.
People criticize the choices of others when they themselves aren’t sure they’ve made the right choices.