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How much do your site stats mean to you? What about your traffic? What is more important: quality of readership or quantity of readership? Would you be willing to lose traffic to satisfy your conscience? Does it matter who comes to your blog? Or don’t you care, as long as someone comes?
I like the people that frequent this blog. I feel as though I’m becoming close to those that comment, email, send me link love. There aren’t a lot of people that swing by here, but the quality is superb. The people that come here are funny and smart and just worth the time it takes to return visits to their place. And there are more than a couple that I feel I can honestly, from my heart, call my friend. People I have never seen before, some to whom I’ve never spoken, mean something to me. I look forward to seeing some familiar names in my comments and seeing new posts go up in my favorite haunts. I’m a little on the rough side, but I’m loyal, honest and sincere and I don’t think those are bad things. But I made a promise to myself a long time ago. I promised that I would never sacrifice my core values to please someone else. Bullshit is bullshit and I’ll call it when I see it. It’s not because I’m an evil bitch or that I’m cold and heartless. It’s because I firmly believe that if I see wrong and don’t address it then I’m contributing to the wrong. This has, unfortunately, cost me some relationships. C’est la vie.
But if I’m wrong and my friend tells me I’m wrong, well, shit, I’m going to take that into serious consideration. I’m going to examine my actions or words. I’m going to be concerned that I offended someone when I didn’t mean it. And then I’m going to correct myself. I’m going to care about what’s going on with my friend. After my evaluation my friend is either right or wrong. If right, well, I guess I’ll have to fess up and do what I can to fix our relationship. Sometimes I make a concerted effort to be hurtful, but never at the expense of my friends. And if someone else comes along and says “Hey, you did wrong” I’m really going to wonder. Of course, I have to care about that person first. And if not that person then someone else in that person’s same situation. Right?
In my life I don’t have time for people that think disparaging an entire group of people is normal. I don’t care if they’re black, gay, Jewish, Muslim or South American. I don’t have time for people who think it’s funny to take a tasteless, thoughtless remark and expand on it- or allow someone else to expand on it while they laugh and laugh. Ha-fucking-ha. I don’t have time for people who have decided that one class of people is so unimportant that they deserve derision and public scorn. That’s not me. That’s not what I believe. And by shaking my head and remaining quiet about it I am endorsing that kind of behavior. I can’t do that. Ever. I made that promise to myself when my daughter was born. Never shut up and let the assholes take the stage.
I don’t care how much traffic I get. I don’t “network” or “promote” my blog. I don’t visit as many people as possible in one short day to leave insipid little remarks that hold no personality and could be cut and pasted from anywhere. I like having the visitors I have because they have class, intelligence, and really are genuinely funny. I don’t think the most important thing about my blogging is getting as many comments as possible- with little depth or sincerity. I want to meet people like most of the people that I’ve met.
So, when I come across a situation where someone I had a little respect for shows such a lack of class and compassion I become lost. What to do? Call bullshit, or ignore it. I call bullshit. Because there’s no way I’m ignoring it. I don’t have it in me. Sorry. That’s the way it is. I don’t have time for bullshit of that caliber. I don’t want to be part of it. I don’t want to roll in it. I don’t want to smell it. I most certainly don’t want to look at it. So, the “x” it is. And I’m glad for it. Because I pulled back that curtain and the goddamned wizard was damned fucking ugly.
Update:
Well, I found out what a “fag hag” is. A straight chick that hangs out with gay men. That’s ME! Why didn’t my guys ever tell me this? Of course, I haven’t been to the bar since Lil’lady was born, so I haven’t really had time to hang. And I moved back to Hickville. But still… Oh, that’s right. Because they consider me to be their friend. And I was too cute to be a hag. Though Ali certainly wasn’t cute enough to wear that red dress. I still say he should’ve went with the blue.
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I wrestled with all this, and it was part of the reason I dumped Ultrablog and began anew. (Obviously I don’t care that much about stats, as I gave up a decent Technorati rating for a very small Authority.) I used to think “anything goes” on the intertubes and that it didn’t matter what I allowed people to say in comments. That was wrong. I let a lot of nasty shit and hurful comments stand that should have been either addressed or at the least deleted. I know I lost some readers who didn’t like to be in that atmosphere — and I laughed at the time, but am sorry for it now. Not because of stats, but because some of those people were probably good folks I might have enjoyed knowing, but I blew the chance because of my snotty attitude: “If you can’t take the heat, then get off the internet, nyah, nyah!” I could take it, so therefore everyone else should too. I used to think that my associations didn’t reflect on me, but they did and do. And I believe it’s fair to judge others the same way. Your blogroll is full of white power links? Uh, bye.
I’m still finding my way and am at a point now where I either speak up when I see a wrong, or else start to avoid that blog (and sometimes both). I don’t believe that I must take a stand over every single thing I consider wrong (there aren’t enough hours in the day!), but neither do I want to be part of a group that tiptoes around the nasty crap in order to find something cute to say about something else. That’s enabling, and that sucks. The bully-bloggers know it too — they know they can get away with a lot of that because others don’t want to lose a commenter or a link, so they pretend they don’t see the bad stuff or they declare they’re above “drama” (until it affects them, hey).
I am guilty of leaving generic comments sometimes though. I’m just not always that creative and sometimes just say “Happy Birthday!” or “Congrats!” if I want the blogger to know that I cared enough to say something, even if it isn’t very interesting. And I don’t mind receiving comments like that, even though mostly the comments I get are funny and/or thoughtful. I link everyone who leaves a friendly comment, though if they never return I may eventually dump them. That’s working out well for me so far, and I participate on most of the linked blogs, though I may give short shrift to those whose behavior elsewhere annoys me, and I think that’s fair.
Wow, this was an inspiring post, JJ — I wrote a freakin’ book here!
There is nothing worse than discovering that a favorite haunt conceals a den of hatred and fosters an atmosphere of negativity and malice. They can call it humor, or defend their rights to free speech, but in the end it is all just an attempt to excuse offensive behavior.
I really appreciate this post, your comments and understanding the point I was trying to make over at the Self-Proclaimed Authority on What Constitutes Humor’s site.
I don’t care about my stats. I don’t even know how many people visit. I can’t imagine too many care about my rants and raves anyway.
I have been to a few blogs int he past that I really enjoyed and then WHAM they showed a personality side that freaked me out.
Call me judgemental but I dropped their blogs from my roll like a hot potato.
“You are who you hang with”… “Guilt by association”… true or not, those words have stuck with me.
It’s all in what you are willing to accept. I choose to accept very little because I can. I won’t go to a blog that jokes about animal abuse. I won’t go to a blog that jokes about rape. Etc.. Etc… (judemental
) I figure that if you can joke about it, see nothing wrong about others joking about it, then you’re essentially accepting it.
That reminds me, RaeJane — I recently dropped someone who kept saying that he hated cats, wished they’d all die, etc. He’d say it at his blog and others. There have been several news articles lately about people torturing cats and it just bothered me too much to read that, even as a joke. Now this guy is probably a good person and if I knew him in “real life” I might be able to ask him to stop, or maybe he just wouldn’t say those things in front of me if he knew they bugged me, but online a lot of people just don’t give a crap what upsets others (and I used to not care as well, which was properly criticized by some) . . . or maybe he never considered me even a slight friend worth worrying about, I don’t know. My dropping him never became an “issue” as far as I know, so no big deal there. Sometimes it does become an issue and you try to explain why you didn’t link someone or whatever, but often that gets muddled up and makes things worse.
It is upsetting to think you know someone and then you realize you didn’t at all. You question your own judgment — should I have seen that earlier? What’s the matter with me? Why didn’t I notice that he was such a jerk? Etc. And then you have to fret over appearing “too PC” or “too sensitive” and all that crap. Shouldn’t it be okay to call for the genocide of Muslims? Am I just being a silly goose for thinking that’s uncool? Maybe it was a joke or sumpin’. Satire. Whatever.
Anyway, yeah. Racism and gay-bashing bug the crap out of me. It’s almost as bad as dissing cats!
Miz Uv,
You say all you want. I’ll let you.:) You’re one of the good ones, in my book. As for little snippets left in comments, well, sometimes it’s all you got. But etiquette says if someone’s commented at your spot then you’ve got to comment at theirs. My point was about people who go out and leave those comments intentionally to bring readers to their spot. There’s a lot of status for having a high technorati ranking. I get that. I just don’t care about it.
Jester,
Welcome! I actually read the whole thing, though I didn’t comment at your spot. I usually read a while to get to someone first.:) And I was going back and forth with my little devil Jinx trying not to get involved. But then the gay bashing started. And I don’t care who says it wasn’t, that is was all funny and good, it was downright bashing. And she was getting in on all of it.
I understand completely where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling about that. I have a biracial daughter and will throw down with someone who uses racists terms. Call me overly PC (though someone who has read me knows I’m not- just very passionate) and lacking a sense of humor. I don’t care. I cannot in good conscience let some things slide. Will it make a difference? No, absolutely not. In the end there are enough supporters of that crap, crawling out from under rocks now, that the behavior will be enforced and it will continue. But I’m not going to read it. Fuck that. Life is too short to give up my principles.
Raejane,
Howdy! Again, I think.:) I’ll be as judgmental as I want with my time. It’s valuable. And there are too many blogs on this Web that don’t engage or allow hate and ugly. I’d rather frequent them. I guess that makes me a snob. That’s all good.
I can understand joking to a certain extent. But pretty soon that shit gets out of hand and the nasty takes control. That’s why that shit’s got to be nipped in the bud. No one tells me off-color jokes about minorities or different ethnicities, because I’m the wet-blanket that looks and says “That shit ain’t funny.” I live in a hick town in the middle of nowhere so I’ve had to do that a lot before people stopped trying.:)
Worse than the joking though was the complete disregard for Jester’s opinion. His first post didn’t even mention anyone specific, but then it just had to get ugly. Like a little kid saying “Oh yeah? Watch this!” and taking it to whole new heights. Sad.
I think you know where I stand on the enabling bit….. I’m pretty well annotated on that score! In fact, this very thing was discussed with Dawn at my blog.
I just met Jester via this kerfuffle, so I can’t say that I know much about him, but having read it all, I can’t see how he went overboard. He was, as you pointed out, speaking in abstract terms about the use of the word, and even gave her the benefit of the doubt while conscientiously avoiding mentioning her identity. And while “gay” could arguably be meant in a different way when referring to an object, “fag hag” certainly isn’t, and seemed like a comment designed to provoke. That surprises me, coming from Dawn, but there it is. I can’t imagine how “fag hag” is not meant to be derogatory, and can easily see how the point could have been made without it. Of course, she has every right to write what’s right for her, but people will feel about it as they will. In this case, it seems that it isn’t the offended who are making the meanest noises, but those telling them how they should be feeling that are taking the nastiest jabs. It’s like a mosh pit at both those blogs, and I’ll give Dawn the quid pro quo of not wanting to get into it because it only involves a “blogfriend”, and not myself directly. Seems only fair. Other blogfriendships may warrant being taken more seriously by both parties, but some folks set a lighter tone for such things and I’m fine with that. I’ll content myself with a few observations from the sidelines, like here, Paula’s and my crack to an outright bigot at Jester’s.
Ah well. The dust will eventually settle, and people will choose what they want to read, and why.
You’re right, Joe. I admit I get a little hot-headed at times. None of my business and all that. I guess it was my disappointment that was driving me. I’m done with it now. I’ve said my bit and will leave it all alone. Someday I’ll even learn to just walk away and pretend I didn’t see anything.:) It almost worked that way this time, but then the comments devolved into what they are now and well, I’m a nosy bitch like that. And I could even feel Jester’s frustration. I remember a very specific post of mine that drew people into conversation about negative phrases and it could have devolved into something ugly. I’m lucky that it didn’t and that there was serious, mature discussion.
I have a new toy and am going to content myself with playing with it. And some weeding of the garden. Yay.
I think you’ll find the quality and quantity of your commenters will increase if you are saying the right things.
In the end, you certainly will make a difference by expressing opinions you believe in (good or bad). It’s right now you make the smallest difference, that’s why it’s so hard for some people to see why doing the right thing actually does matter.
And it is your business.
Good post.
I learnt a lesson recently about blogging that was never really an issue before when it comes to comments made. Name calling and general aggresiveness i can easily brush off and put down to a not very pleasant personality or lack of debating skills. What i did not have an answer for was when it was someone i consider a friend who was on the end of the abuse and i hold my hands up and admit i handled it wrongly, hoping it would just blow over and go away which i now realise was wrong.
I do get caught between just ignoring other peoples posts i do not agree with and putting my opinion on why i disagree with them, blogs that hold extreme views i leave alone altogether. Debates that collapse into outright arguments in real life and when they happen on here are totally different animals and i am much happier dealing with real life situations than blog flare ups where i am always wary of inflaming a situation but hopefully i would act diferently if it ever happened again.
Paula,
I dropped someone awhile back for saying something about animals that I was offended by… something like “i’d hook a monkey to my carborator and cook it, if I thought it would cure cancer.”
I just thought it was in poor taste and to say in on my blog about someting I care about…
I dunno… my perrogative.
Othurme,
Welcome! And thank you. I really appreciate that. My conscience won’t let me sit back and just watch. I tried. I really did. But I felt like my silence was an endorsement. And I thought if one person…
Lucy,
I saw that. It was a bad situation, but the outcome was just, I think. And some people deserve no comment because they show themselves to be ugly all on their own (your recent anonymous commenter comes to mind). Those blogs I leave to themselves. They’re not even worthy of the energy. I’m just really disappointed that this particular incident came about because there was no need for it.
I hear a lot about preserving “free speech”, but there have to be limits set somewhere for a society to function properly. The same on blogs. There is no true censorship on the web, so it’s a non-issue imo. For instance, if some jackass came here and starting spouting racism and personal attacks I wouldn’t hesitate to send his ass away. I pay for this site and I expect a little respect here. But that’s not muzzling the asshole, because all he has to do is type blogger.com in his browser and he’s got his own platform to say whatever the hell he wants. He can link to me all day long and I never have to go look.
Raejane,
I don’t blame you. I won’t link to people haters.:)
I totally agree that it’s the quality rather then the quantity.
Anyway, the aggression out there at the moment (in Bloggerton, I mean) is something to behold isn’t it? I can’t help thinking that someone who challenges someone to a fight, or uses hostile “I’m gonna fuck you up” language, must be a total pussy in real life. It stands to reason doesn’t it?
I give a care about my stats. I blog because I wanna - not because I gotta. It mattered for a while, and now I just do it because I like it.
…and I fully admit to being “one of those bloggers” that will call someone a shit biscuit if I feel the need. I don’t apologize for it.
I often use off color language, phrases, and I don’t apologize for calling a spade a spade if that’s what it looks like to me.
I frequently use jokes in a twisted humor sort of way to bring levity to serious situations, and though it may be ackward from time to time, I rarely aplogize for that either.
I have no problems with threatening to kick your ass, because I’m pretty confident that I can…though that’s not a tactic I usually take…and I have never been referred to as a “pussy”, “total pussy” or even a “partial pussy” by any one who knows me. Men with every other tooth have referred to me as “a piece of pussy” but they have only done that once.
Jenny, I can pretty comfortably say, no one who reads your blog, reads mine LMAO!
I ony check my stats if/when I get a bunch of new commenters & I want to know where they’re coming from. And I’m so w/ you regarding the quality over quantity. When I see people bragging about blog stats (and usually lying), I think “Well, I guess you win the Intrawebs!” Seriously, is that why we’re writing?
The best way to find new blogs, IMO, isn’t via stat counters or blog linking programs. It’s by checking out the blogrolls on the blogs you like to read.
Cheezy,
Your situation is, well, insane, quite frankly. Honestly, what’s he going to do? Hop on the next flight to London and have at it? But, yeah, it’s really getting crazy.
Nikki,
Cheezy’s situation is different because he’s got some psycho making threats. Which is fucking hilarious and I have no doubt that said psycho hasn’t got the stones god gave a turtle. No lie.:) I’m serious when I say this guy shits wherever he lands.
Anyway, your blog is one of my favs. I still think you should put it in book form, because you’ve got real talent (and class and intelligence).
Eden,
My stats suck. I won’t lie, I get maybe 35-50 hits a day. Sometimes way less. And I don’t give a shit. I don’t want 500 people that don’t have anything to add. I want conversation. I want insight and wit. Not a lot to ask, huh? I can say that I don’t have anyone that will agree blindly with anything that I say. I’m pretty sure if I get out of line one of my blog friends will give me a sound thump on the head. I appreciate and welcome that. Blogging means more to me that way.
Does anyone here have a deep, mortal fear or phobia about anything? I know that some people have a terrible fear of spiders, or snakes, or the dark, or heights, or some kinda supernatural stuff…
Personally, for me, I have a terrible fear of people who call me rude names on the internet. They absolutely petrify me. A long, cold shiver goes all the way down my spine at the very thought of someone so big and scary that they’d anonymously type out potty-words and stuff, right at me, in my face… over the, erm, y’know, the internet….
Oooooooooh!…. (that was that shiver right there).
Jenny: Hehe… Yeah, you got it in one - not even the ones given to a turtle! Ha!
Nikki: I wasn’t for a moment referring to you, or any other woman… mainly because I’m sure that the aggressive women on the internet are the ones who probably could ‘kick my ass’!
Back to the stats thing though - have you ever read those bloggers whose argument is so weenie, that they’ll say something to the effect of “Oh yeah? Well, how many hits do you get?” as if this is some kind of decent substitute for a coherent point? That’s as anal as ass.
Cheezy - Homophobia is not running screaming away from the sight of man in drag or two guys kissing. Homophobia is carrying a belief that “the gays are out to destroy families” or “gay people are immoral and disease-ridden.” Using disparaging words fosters an atmosphere where these types of ideas flourish, where gay people get beaten in the streets (just happened again in New Jersey), and are denied the right to choose who they leave their inheritances to, or denied medical benefits for their partners.
Words are ideas. Ideas become actions. Why choose harmful words when there are equally descriptive non-offensive terms available?
Yes, I agree with all of that, jester. I didn’t say anything homophobic, did I? If I did, I apologise. Some of my best friends etc.
Yes, I agree with all of that, Jester. Did I say something homophobic? If I did then I apologise. Some of my best friends etc.
Cheezy - No, of course not, but it did seem there was a sarcastic note in your being “petrified” by being called a name. I just wanted to clarify that my post was never about being called a name, it was about feeling unwelcome because of an underlying atmosphere that had been exposed.
I’d much rather someone call me a “faggot” to my face than hear snickering and the “innocuous” use of homophobic slurs. At least the person who calls me a “faggot” has the balls to state their beliefs out in the open where it can be dealt with.
By the way, Jenny, I’ve taken to calling all my previously referred to “fag hags” as “ALA’s” — Alternative Lifestyle Assistants.
“No, of course not, but it did seem there was a sarcastic note in your being “petrified” by being called a name. “
You’re absolutely right about that - it was 100% sarcastic because I’m not in the slightest bit scared about people who swear at me on the internet. I’m not sure what this has to do with homophobia or anything like that though, that wasn’t what I was talking about at all…
Glad to hear I haven’t offended anyone though!
Jester,
A while back there was a little “thing” that we all witnessed where someone dared someone else to meet them halfway so that the first someone could kick the second’s ass. It was all quite comical. And it’s kind of gotten out of hand from there. Cheezy was recently visited by a real piece of shit who tried to put him in “his place” by calling him a douchebag. I’m pretty sure that’s about what he was speaking.:)
I wouldn’t allow that kind of shit here, believe that. And I’m pretty sure my regulars know that. This place is bigot free.
I like “ALA”. Kind of sounds all important. And since I’m so very important anyway that kind of fits, I think.:)
Cheezy,
People have hit me with that stats crap. As a matter of fact someone we both know and love made mention of me and my 5 readers (or was it 3? I forget). Cracks me up. I know that I’m supposed to be uber impressed with high link counts, but I think if they’re not getting paid for it then what’s the point?
I know that I get deathly afeered whenever I read “Dick” as a moniker. Whoa. Stop me now. And whenever says something about my teeth it makes me cry like a baby. You know? You don’t stand a chance with that wit, Cheezy. Might as well give up now.:)
Disclaimer:
Cheezy and I aren’t discussing the post right now. It’s something completely different.
Well said. I’m of the same feeling, that I really don’t care what my traffic is, I’m more concerned about the quality of the people I meet in blogland. I read some sites where I disagree with the person on some issues, but there’s some connection that keeps me coming back. If the connection is gone, I stop visiting.
I’m not a big fan of sweeping generalizations as well. I’m more into judging the individual. A bigot is a bigot and it has nothing to do with skin color, sexual orientation, or anything else. Hate is hate.
BTW, I’ve never heard of a fag hag either. I also have several gay friends and I love hanging out with them because they’re so damn funny! And fun! Again, people are just people.
“I’m not a big fan of sweeping generalizations as well.”
Oh, really? Could you be a little more specific, or are you going to just dump ALL sweeping generalizations into the same pile?
Well, I found out what a “fag hag†is. A straight chick that hangs out with gay men. That’s ME!
Me too! I once went to a party with my friend Dirk, who happens to be gay. It was at this gorgeous house on the river with a huge lawn, and as I’m sitting there admiring the view with a cold one in my hand, Dirk leans over and whispers, “This landscaping looks like a straight guy designed it.”
I nearly died right there on the riverbank.
Then there was my friend Cathy, who happens to be a Lesbian, and after I was at the Melissa Etheridge concert and complained to Cathy that some of the gay women were ogling me, she said “Oh shut up, you’re hot, you can’t blame them.”
So those are my two gay stories of the day. Trust me, I have more.
Vince,
I agree. I like the people that frequent my blog. I like you guys because you contribute to the conversation or, if you have nothing genuine to say, you don’t comment. That means something, at least to me.
So what do they call straight guys that hang out with gay guys? Curious.
PJ,
I used to frequent this bar called The Boardwalk (it went private because of all the beatings that happened when people left). My friend, Robbie, would go with me and when a lesbian would hit on me he’d get all defensive and say “Can’t you see she’s straight?” It was pretty funny. I met some pretty awesome people there. One of my lesbian friends still insists that I haven’t found myself yet, but when I do she’ll be waiting.:)
I used to be a sailor. Luckily during the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell era.
That’s as much as I’ll say.
Uh-oh, Vince, there’s a story there. I know it. I’m intrigued.:)