I ran across this post a couple of days ago when following links from an EC1 blog. Fancy begins by describing an online community of which she says ” I should stay away from for the sake of my health and general well-being”. She mentions that there is a new uproar within this community because:
The latest: a fictional character was ruined by choosing to stay pregnant at the age of 20. Not considering abortion as an option was “midieval” on the part of the writers and the other characters on the show.
[...]I’m not saying what I’m about to say because I am changing my stance on abortion. I’m saying it because I’m a feminist and it’s the feminist thing to say: abortion is not the only choice, and it’s not the only choice we need to be concerned with protecting, either.
You really should go read the post. It’s fantastic.
I wholeheartedly agree with the entire post. I have a really hard time reading rad-fem sites2 because so many times there seems to be a consensus that the only “choice” is abortion. The above quote about a fictional character being a prime example. A woman is poor or alone or too young then it seems logical they should have an abortion. And if that woman chooses not to have an abortion then she’s being oppressed and/or brainwashed.
Recently I read a particularly disturbing post regarding the “I’m pregnant!” announcement of Jamie Spears. The author is a feminist and seemed to pride herself on the fact that when she discussed this issue with her teenage daughter the daughter said “This wouldn’t happen to me because you’d make me get an abortion”3 . What bothered me so much was not that this blogger is pro-women’s reproductive health4 . It was that her daughter didn’t seem to have a choice. Yeah, her daughter would get an abortion, but why would she feel she would have to? Isn’t the idea behind choice that women get to decide on their own behalf whether or not they will have the child? That’s what I thought anyway. What exactly is the difference between “forced childbirth” and “forced abortion”? Not much, in my mind.
Lil’ Miss knows she has a choice. More than one, in fact. I have always taught her that the pro-choice movement was about a woman’s right to decide her own reproductive health. Those choices include:
- Being in a hetero or homosexual relationship- or not
- Having sex- or not
- Using birth control- or not
- Staying pregnant- or not
- Keeping the child- or not
- Having children- or not
She’s 16 right now and has made some of her own reproductive health decisions. I’ve stood behind her 100%, even when it chapped my ass to do so. I have never forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do with her own health. I have threatened, begged, and coerced, but maintained throughout that these her choices and ones that she would have to live with for the rest of her life (or not, as the case may be). As her mother and as another woman I support her right to make these choices, even if I don’t agree with them.
I have seen pharmacists refuse to provide birth control, states outlaw abortion all together5 and people up in arms over a possible vaccine for cervical cancer. I’ve seen the “other side” crying and screaming to get their anti-women’s reproductive health stance heard and then I read that a daughter would be forced to have an abortion (to protect her future, no doubt, but that’s not the point). I wanted to scream. But I didn’t even blog it. Until I read Fancy’s post I just felt like “This is the way it is. For us or against us all the way”. I wanted to reach through that computer and hug her6.
Choices about woman’s reproductive health are more than just getting an abortion because you’re too young/poor/not at that “place in your life”. And teaching the lesson of those choices shouldn’t focus strictly on abortion. There are so many more choices than for or against that. I think you’ve made your mark when your child says to you “If I was Jamie Spears I know you’d support my decision to…[fill in the blank]”
Popularity: 17% [?]
Sphere: Related Content- Entrecard [↩]
- What I call these sites, which may or may not be an apt description. Doesn’t matter to me one bit. [↩]
- Or something close to that. I’m not going back to look. [↩]
- My own spin on pro-choice, because I feel it’s a more accurate description. And I want to put the emphasis on the aspect of this issue that I feel is important. [↩]
- Yes, I know that was overturned. That’s not the point. [↩]
- I have never read this blogger before, but plan on keeping up. [↩]
Site Tags: raising kids
Technorati Tags: raising kids
Powered by FireStats
12 Comments
I agree with you entirely, it is about choice and not forcing anybody into something and especially for something as big a decision as abortion.
Give someone the options and answer their questions but don’t ever try and make the decision for them.
Oh, absolutely! And it needs to be said. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to have an abortion — that’s awful. *All* reproductive choices should be respected, including (duh) the choice to have kids. I’m happy for the childfree for not caving in to social pressure and keeping true to their own lifestyle preferences, but it does irritate me when they refer to kids as “crotchfruit,” “yardapes,” etc. These snotty women reacting to the Spears news as if an unplanned pregnancy could NEVER happen to them or their daughters (or sons, hello!) are just idiots.
The whole thing annoys me. It reminds me of the working women v. SAHM stupidity.
Lucy,
Exactly. I think that forcing one way is just as bad as forcing the other. It’s only choice when everyone else respects the choices.
Miz UV,
It’s just like the working mom v. SAHM thing. Exactly. I felt that post (to which I was referring about the kid saying mom would force her to have an abortion) was saying “If Jamie Spears was my kid she’d get an abortion whether she wanted or not!”. Guess what? That was an option to her and one she chose not to utilize. What’s wrong with respecting that? Oh, yeah, it’s not something that fits their agenda (how sad).
About those that are childfree: The zealots make me queasy. Just like any other zealot. But really, do I care if you don’t like my kid in the restaurant. No. Stay home if you don’t want to see kids. Get the hell out of the park if you don’t like the noise. You were once “crotchfruit” too.
LOL!! That felt good.
Amen. The idea of “making” my kid have an abortion is repellent to me.
I’m puzzled that anyone would think that a vaccination to prevent cervical cancer could be bad…it kills a lot of women.
I think that there is room in this democracy for various points of view, and it’s too bad that they polarize themselves away from one another. And when violence against either side is perpetrated that is just WRONG.
I have no children and don’t plan on any. I don’t have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy because I had a hysterectomy for health reasons about 6 years ago, but I would not care to have anyone trying to bribe, blackmail, or berate me into doing anything. It just piss me off. Which is not the best mindset to make a decision in.
Extremes always bug me, and forcing abortion is as wrong as abstinence-only education. There’s always that gadfly within me, however, that points straight to the map of the Gray Area. Choices can be limited by more than just ideals or beliefs. If my child’s health would be threatened by the pregnancy, for instance, you’re damn right I’ll push the abortion issue to the point of force. There may be financial reasons as well, which I think is a pressure the blogger you speak of has weighing heavily on the entire family at this time. The baby can’t always be waived off as an inconvenience that the family will conquer if they pull together, a la the Waltons. Would you let your daughter choose for herself if you knew FOR CERTAIN that the family would lose the house as a result of the expense? (Not saying that this is her situation, just being hypothetical here - instead of losing the house, put in any disaster you think is realistic.)
I wonder about another thing, too. We do not consider anyone to be legally mature enough do anything of substance, like vote, until the age of 18. They are too immature to handle alcohol until 21, and science now says that the brain’s faculties for reason and decision-making is not fully developed until 25. Yet a child of 14 is going to be allowed to make the most important choice she’ll ever make? She can’t choose to have a beer but we’ll just “guide” her on whether or not to alter the future for herself and everyone around her? That sounds more idealistic than practical. Think of all the lesser decisions that you would have no problem FORCING upon your kids, after all. Staying in school, for instance, or not staying out too late. Both of these can be serious things, but still take a back seat to motherhood. If she lights up a cigarette in the living room, will you discuss it or yank it out of her mouth? Most parents have no problem forcing their daughters to forego the tattoo until they turn 18, at least. Once again, the other situations that fill that family’s gray area will help determine what way is best to handle it.
I find it interesting that among the tactics you’ve used with your daughter, you list “threatened.” I know, that mothers THINK that they can threaten and be supportive at the same time, but mothers think weird shit, let’s face it. Mine thought I needed to be able to make biscuits when I went to see the Grateful Dead for three days. I have no idea where that synapse fired off from, but I took the pan and the Bisquick so she’d shut up about it. You think that “threatening in a supportive way” is substantially different, even though it really isn’t (threats are an attempt to force, after all) because you feel you know better than your daughter.
Well, duh, you DO know better. That’s why we are put in charge of kids in the first place. We know that if adults aren’t in charge, our species is doomed, because the young ones are stupid.
In fact, I think that if parents CANNOT force kids in anyway, the only thing that would keep our species going is the fact that they’d all have babies at age thirteen, shortly before doing something stupid that gets them killed. Cynical, I know, but cynics are right more often than not, it seems.
Anyway, I digress. This comment was interrupted by a call from a very sick friend, and began to wander with my mind. I just think that people do force their kids to do certain things in many, many ways because that is inherent to their job, and that there may be circumstances touching this most important of life decisions that can tip this scale in one direction or the other.
You sound like a great mother, Jenny. And yes, of course I agree that the option to have a child is just as important as the option not to. We might as well live in China if it wasn’t.
Joe makes a good point: we do force all sorts of other things on our children bla bla so why then would I not force my child to end a pregnancy that would mess up her schooling and our finances? I guess because I’m not that confident it’s the right thing to do. I’d have a hard enough time making that decision for myself as an adult, so telling another person that they should (or shouldn’t) isn’t something I’m comfortable with. I’m pretty comfortable telling them to eat more vegetables. I know that’s a good thing, even if every once in a while there’s a package of killer spinach in the grocery store. The odds are overwhelmingly in favor of more vegetable eating leading to better health. But who knows how her life would go if she had a baby at a young age. No one can predict that. This isn’t to say I wouldn’t encourage her one way or another, but it’d be her decision and I’d support it.
I basically agree with you. If you say you’re pro-choice, then you need to respect the choices someone makes, whether you agree with them or not. However, I’ve never believed in abortion. I’ve always believed that it was the taking of a life. I would never counsel a woman I know to have one (meaning I would recommend adoption as a vialbe option if they didn’t want the baby).
However, if someone I knew had an abortion, I would fully support them in thier decision, even if I didn’t agree with it. Because the only HUMANE thing to do is give them as much support as you can. I can’t imaging getting an abortion is any easy decision for a woman and would not have emotional consequences of some sort. Beating them up and making them feel bad about it won’t make it any better.
Joe,
I’ve threatened, but my daughter knows that my silly threats are just that. She does not think that I am the one in control of her health. She knows that she has choices and that is the important part.
As for the rest of your rant, I’ve got a post coming for that. You use terms like “idealistic” and “The Waltons” as if I somehow believe that hugging and singing “Kumbaya” are all that’s needed to overcome any problems. Are you kidding me?
And you compare this issue to teen smoking and tattoos? Really? Ok, then.
fancy,
Thanks for stopping by. I agree. It’s disgusting.
Karen,
Many people on the religious right believe that it encourages young women to have sex before marriage. The same thing with birth control. They think if it’s available everyone will be sexing everyone else. As if they need birth control to do it.
Miz UV,
It’s not the same thing. You’re right in that it’s a lot more complicated.
Cheezy and Sydwynd,
Thanks.
You are good mother
[From Jennyjinx]
I stripped your URLs, PHP person, because I really don’t appreciate that shit. But thanks for the comment.